My Give to My Friend

I began this blog at the end of October as a dedication to one of my oldest and dearest friends. While it has taken me several months to put myself into it and several changes of title: Title one: To follow or to lead, Title two: Envy or admiration?, Title three: Dedicated to Sarah, Title four: To Nala from Simba, and finally my chosen title: My give to my friend!

I wanted to preface my blog with this short interlude so that you may understand how long I have been working on it and that this blog was not just in response to December's give challenge but morphed itself into a give and was completed during the challenge period! The blog post is as follows:

I am a creature of habit. As much as I feel like I have changed in my adult life, sometimes I feel as though I am still that same, insecure little girl, still trying to find her way in the big bad world of high school. I have always considered myself a leader, but in reality, I am a follower.


I do not "follow" in the traditional sense where I let others make my decisions for me; instead I tend to be inspired and take my lead from those closest to me. As I only have one follower of my blog that I know of, this blog is dedicated to her. ;)


You came into my life in Jr. High. You were the strange outsider infiltrating our small country school. You were different. You were from the "city". You were (still are) incredibly smart and beautiful. Immediately, I wanted to know you. I felt this tug to know you. I felt a longing to be your friend.


Fast friends we became as you quickly realized our small country school was full of people who were not so nice and tried very hard to make the lives of others miserable. They were miserable to you, I was there to comfort. They were miserable to me, you were there to comfort. Inseparable we became.


The years flew but the education and life experience still influences me today. My first skinny dip, my first best friends necklace, my first Spanish lessons, my first parade (you rode Blue and I the float), my first bff's mom who I wanted as my own, the most awesome tree swing in existence, awesome sleep overs (especially on Friday so we could watch the TGIF shows on ABC), sliding down the stairs in a sleeping bag going mock 3 and crashing at the bottom, makeup and hair experimentation's (I will never forget your experiment with bangs....not a good choice with that cowlick you have). Though those experiences were fun filled, I also learned about things for which I will forever be grateful and things that are still apart of my life today.


God. Your influence, experience, and friendship guided me to a more intimate relationship with God. I attended True Love Waits after you introduced the concept to me. You were there when I got baptized. You were there when I decided to swear off Halloween one year because your convictions were so strong. My walk with Christ was inspired and fueled by your own experiences and hardships; you gave me the guidance only a friend could when the biblical mumbo jumbo got in the way.


Horses. Though my love for horses was established as soon as I left the womb (in my opinion) I had never had the resources nor the education to fulfill my life long dream much past drooling at any horse I passed along side the road. You and your family had horses; my fate was sealed. I will never forget Blue. The mild-mannered gray mare who was bomb proof in an arena, a parade, or down the road, and with any passenger you placed on her back. A great teacher for me, an inspiration and an envy; I will never forget her. Misty, the horse I would have to "work up" to, for she was a one owner kinda gal. Great partners with your mamma, she was hot, fast, responsive, and the inspiration for me as an adult to want to have a relationship with a horse like that. Oakey, who I still think is with us and your daddy right down the street from my parents. It sure looks like him. The young colt still learning to become a man. Your dad's buddy. Again, a relationship with an equine partner I wanted so desperately.


You. The rider I wanted to become. The confidence I wanted to learn. The experience I so desperately wanted to acquire. Because of your families influence with horses I fulfilled my dream. I got my first mare which I was able to keep at your house. The teen years and absence of our friendship took me away from horses for awhile but they are back in my life with a flame unsurpassed. Thank you for that. I have fulfilled my dream. I have established a partnership, I have challenged my experience, and I am teaching my own young boy to become a man. I am not sure all this would have happened if not for your influence.


Enter HS...ugggghhh! The ugly part!


Newly freed from our small country school we entered an entirely new kind of pond. We were small fishes in this new ecosystem (there is the biology teacher coming out in me). From day one I knew things would be different. I knew I was scared and I knew I needed my friend for support, for security. Was that right, no, but I knew no other way. Yet, I knew things were going to change. You were determined to leave the ugliness from SU behind you; I wanted to do the same. I felt this would be our chance to start over....little did I know we would not embark on this adventure together.

The final nail in the coffin came on one fateful day, I will never forget as long as I live, but feel that finally I have gotten over it, moved past it, and re-kindled a friendship I thought I would never have again. :) After weeks of being the "third wheel", in many ways my fault as back then I did not stand up for myself, was incredibly shy and introverted and very much a follower and not a leader, I was left once and for all.

You and our once arch enemy, T. Cannon and I (I will pause while you laugh and reflect on how stupid you said the choice was for becoming friends with her after we hated her for so long) were walking down the corridor (me in the background not engaging in the conversation as I should have been) when you spotted one of the senior hunk-a-munks with a cool orange pick up truck (name will be left out as I know you know who I am talking about ;) ) . You and T. Cannon proceeded to runnnn to him and ask him to take you to lunch that day (me all the while knowing his truck could only hold two passengers along with the driver). I waited, hoping I would be included in this lunch time activity.........sadly I was not! Instead you girls trotted off with senior hunk-a-munk, never looking back at me; I waited, nothing. That was the first of many days spent in the library during lunch doing "homework".

Yes I know, boo-hoo, this is not a woes-me speech. It is okay, you know why, because look at where we have come. I found friends that led me to the circle where I met and feel in love with my husband. You found friends that you met and led you to the circle's that led you to San Diego where your life began and you found your husband. The path may have been harsh, but the journey was worthy and the result heavenly. Faith that the Lord knew what he was doing should have been what I relied on, sadly, when life is harsh, faith can be hard to live on.

Enter the present (approximately 2007 ish).

My life was again changed the day I saw Sarah Oliveira as a profile on myspace. WOW, I thought! I wonder how she is doing. My second thought, does she still know me? Timidly I sought out her friendship through myspace and was enthralled with her comments and postings on life. I read about her heartbreaks, triumphs, and sacrifices. I knew that my long time friend was still there at her core, but seriously compromised. My heart ached for her to "Sarah" again.

2009

I have a new passion, blog reading. I have never had so much insight into a person's world before your blog spot. I have been caught up on the last 10 years (some of which was so painful I wanted to cry for you, my dear friend). I felt the need to protect you, something I think only true friends will always feel for the other person. I learned of your journeys and adventures, your mistakes and your victories. I have never been so proud to see the changes I have seen recently and to see my friend emerge from the ashes a brilliantly sophisticated and successful, blessed, beautiful woman.

After taking stock of this blog post I find myself apprehensive about pushing that "publish post" big orange button! Will this be perceived as negative, too much information, with admiration, obsessiveness........yikes, here comes the anxiety. I think I am just going to have to go with faith on this one. This post, two months in the making, is from my heart, the words I have always wanted you to know. Sarah Leanne you were my first "best friend" (I don't count kindergarten and primary school) and you taught me a lot. I am proud to know you and prouder that you are here in my present and there for me when I need you; somehow, despite the absence I secretly always knew you would be.

I will end with this, I have never forgotten who you were and are, and though you have had thoughts within the last few years questioning that very idea, I knew you would always find your way back.

Love ya girlie!

Here goes nothing!! (pause for a gulp as I move my mouse over to the publish post button)